“Where is Allah?” Out of the depths I cry, “Oh my Lord, I am your beloved servant, Rahim. I need Your love. Where are you Allah?” This is my cry in anguish, “Rahim is seeking Allah’s guidance.”

Sidi Muhammad is my guide. He cares for all the beloveds. This is always true. As true as any thought I could have. In my despair Allah is here. This I know for all times.

Morning, time to start anew. I see the face of Allah in my challenges. Living with my Cerebral Palsy. Hearing the voice of Allah in my heart. I cry in my sadness for His guidance. Asking Allah to guide me through another day. Yes the pain is greatest now. Both physical and emotional. I cry in my grief yet again. Watching myself even losing the ability to type this essay.

Listening for Allah’s voice, in return there is only deafening silence. In the hush of my reality, is the wisdom of Allah. He is with me, remaining in the silence of my heart. I can’t stop, though every fiber of my being desire it. I must continue living in Allah. Daily besieged with stress – maintaining some semblance of control over my Cerebral Palsy. While discovering the secret is in my struggling. Praise be to Allah.

Each day knowing there is no other god, but Allah. I remember there is only He – Allah. This day is finished and I am safe in the Heart of Allah. When laying my head on my pillow I ask, “Are you here?” Allah breaks the silence, speaking to me in a whisper.

“Yes, my son,” He answers. “You are doing My Will.” YES, I can still type.

Sitting here writing my body is rapidly aging with the effects off cerebral palsy. Since my last essay there has been a tremendous increase in my spasticity. In extreme sadness, not knowing the outcome of this is very frightening. Even writing this has become more strenuous. My fingers are much more rigid. In the end giving up is not an option. Trusting Allah is the only alternative. Trusting micro-soft word’s spell is also another option.

In this dilemma of confusion. I must remember I an in the heart of Allah. Many have said how they admire me. Including a psychologist and a social worker why gave me some ridicules test. Not only was I to spell the word, world. forward. I was then to spell it backwards. How many of us can spell forwards let alone backwards. In the end the psychologist went beyond the call of duty by telling me how he admired me.”There are not many with Cerebral Palsy who are as independent as you at your age.”

My life living in the arms of Allah has been blessed. Still here I sit at this keyboard still able to type coherent words and phrases. In my last essay I said the life was a jigsaw. Working a lifetime to assembled the pierces. Finally assembling the pierces seeing my life for the miracle it has been. Standing back seeing my body disintegrate before my very eyes. Sidi has always said to listen to the voice of my God. The voice of my God is speaking to me right now. Allah is telling me to be still in the mist of my terror.

Last night I wrote to an Unity Minister, friend of mine. Sharing with him my faith in Sufism. Without it I world probability be laying in a nursing home someplace. Instead I am here coping with my life which Allah has given me.

Here in the silence I hear the voice of Allah. Through the fog of the world around me. Allah speaks in his most loving tones. Through the words of Sidi’s writing. Through the words of my Sufi beloveds, Allah speaks.

In the third station of the nafs, in “The Path to Allah”. Sidi speaks of the pain in this station. I was told he does mean some physical pain. He also says we must annihilate the nafs (fana). Every religion speaks of dying to self. St. Paul says it in his epistles. “Dying to self.” Christ is supposed to have said in the gospels.

Dying to my-self (fana) is the acceptances of my Cerebral Palsy. Years of disappointments, frustration, and failure generating huge amounts of anger. While struggling to contain my systems of a cerebral palsy racked body. This anger has been toxic to mine and others with CP. bodies. Cerebral Palsy devastating to some, unbearable to others. Many peers of mine seek relief from the pain of CP.through the use of drugs or surgery. The latter usually resulting in even more severe pain. Knowing the Sufi Shadhuli Path, drugs and surgery are not options for me. My one and only option is acceptances of my gift from Allah.

Through the practices and the remembrances there is a change in my being. My inner knowing knows Allah will always provide. Thought my path is challenging. I know Allah and sometimes the spirit of Sidi is always with me.

Spending time watching the television. I see the world through my prism of my disability. Everyone is out to beat the other guy. From politics to the evening news it is always one ups-men-ship. No one seems to know what reality of life is.

What has come from the past and what is the future in nothing. The only thing we have now is the present. The present with Allah. My naf is the past all packaged in the messages from my youth. You can’t, you can’t. As for all of us these messages makes the person we are. Is it all an illusion?

Albert Einstein said: “People like us, who believe in physics, know that the distinction between past, present, and future is only a stubbornly persistent illusion.”

It defies all scientists to learn the past present and future are but illusion. The present is all we have to an understanding with. Sidi said that when we become content with the present. We become rich. Rich in spirit. Wanting to believe this so I wrote it. Wanting this computer to work is my illusion. My contentment is with Allah.

Reading Sidi writings. One fact coming to me over and over. My disability is Allah. I am here to embrace it. At a time when there are going to be some major changes to my life. My entire life is in the balance of these changes.

Yet Sidi says the truth and the secrets are all inside of my. This all I have to depend on. Knowing Sidi is the wisest man I have ever known. So the truth is. The end of my independent life. Knowing it is a part of my life which is unavoidable. With Allah’s will I will be able to go on living.

Allah is and always will be guiding my life. This I can depend on.

There is only one God his name is Allah. When we think we have reached a plain with Him. He moves the bar up another notch. Only because he knows we are able to reach it. I must remember this fact of Allah when the weight of the problems of the day hang heavily on my shoulders.

The other night at dhikr I was asked what I wanted from Allah. A most potent and loaded question. One I had no available answer, for. I could not say what I wanted. Thinking the answer was in the dhikr room. Not giving it deep thought my answer was not what was being sought. The answer would to be with Allah.

Sixty years of life here on planet earth still searching. Searching. When everyday living becomes a challenged. Deep in my heart knowing Allah is always with me. When I am with Allah life becomes bearable. Knowing the many years of my life were years full if endless and aimless searching. Through the many successful small businesses started in an attempt of finding peace and satisfaction.

The peace and satisfaction is sometimes evident in my life. While writing I am with Allah. These words are His words. His gift to me is my life. To show the world what truth is about.